How to accept yourself

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Simple tools to use to accept yourself and find healthy coping methods

How to accept yourself

• Recognize how I feel
• Validate myself
• Check my perspective and find a solution
• Commit to memory
• Replace by a compliment

I AM REAL

I read the first note I ever penned to myself.  So full of gloom and despair!  Complete hopelessness about ever being able to breakout of the mold that was created by others’ feedback and my own inner dialogue.  Seemed like the die was cast – this was it! I had no way of knowing what I wanted and needed. “How to accept yourself” was definitely not a part of my vocabulary!

At one time I would experience grief reading these notes.  Today it feels a bit unreal.  Mind you the grief is always lurking somewhere, just waiting to remind me not to forget.  But it’s not my reality anymore.

So, what saved me – “Big smiley face” ME!

When you are in the throes of grief you focus so much on the messages you are receiving and on others (mis) behavior.  A simple illustration – an excerpt from my note: “I do not want them to recognize my suffering and empathize with me.  I am almost afraid of that – I DO NOT want them to be human it somehow erases my existence.  I am safer with them being the villains.” Kind of sad that your existence is so dependent on whether they behave or misbehave. 

My inner dialogue is so different now.  People around me continue their own journey.  But I feel different.  I do not need validation for my suffering.  I validate it myself.  My experiences are real and significant in my life.

How do I do that?

Its hard work to accept yourself. Of course, the backbone of all the work I did on myself is therapy.  But its also reminding yourself every day; to put to use the tools you have learned. 

A great resource for getting counseling

www.hasionline.com A not-for-profit organization with the aim of changing the conversation around
mental health and ensuring that people have access to affordable mental
health services.

Here are some ideas I put into practice.

HOW DO I FEEL

Simple – remind yourself of how you feel in different experiences

Humans have two types of memories Implicit & Explicit memory.  Implicit memory is stored in the cerebellum and the basal ganglia which help with:

• emotions
• movement
• learning
• habit forming

You don’t have to think when you walk or ride a bike or feel.  This implicit memory is stored and will in future guide you reaction and behavior when presented with the same stimuli. We can recall our experiences as a series of events very easily but not how we felt in that moment accurately.  This is precisely the reason why it’s easier to remember how someone behaved or what happened in an interaction but difficult to pinpoint how we felt.

Which is probably the reason we surprise ourselves with our reactions in seemingly benign situations. Our implicit memory and inner dialogue kicks in even before we realize it.

This is exactly the reason that we need to VALIDATE how we feel in different situations.  It is the first step to changing the inner dialogue and rewiring the implicit memory. It is the first step to accepting yourself.

One thing I constantly do is what I call COMMIT TO MEMORY

I am excellent at picking up cues from people.  Of course, if the reaction is negative, I am even faster at reacting to it.  Before I know it, it has fused with my own opinion of myself.  Not only am I receiving a beating, but I am also joining in in delivering the beating. 

So, I have actively decided that whenever I am in a conflicting situation; I will ask my self is this their opinion or am I saying the same thing to myself.  If it is NOT my opinion, I will commit this to my memory, so that the next time I am in the same situation I will be able to say to myself

• Its normal to feel this way.
• My feelings are valid.
• I’m proud of myself.

When the event is over, I will consciously ask myself what I need to do to make myself feel better.  I will find a solution; it could be cooking a favorite meal, penning my thoughts, choosing a desirable color to wear etc.  I will THEN commit this solution to my memory as well. The next time I am in a crisis, I will use this to accept myself.

COMPLIMENTING YOURSELF IS UNDERRATED

My therapist once told me to write down the compliments I receive and put them in a box. At that stage I was so busy being harsh to myself that I reacted with sharp anger. I found the concept ridiculous and self-indulgent. 

Much later as I worked to change my opinion of myself, I realized that most of my Implicit Memory was of critical self-appraisal.   I needed to develop implicit memory where I would feel complimented, nurtured and appreciated.

What is interesting is the fact that when you feel you are worthy of compliments yourself – others will compliment you also.  I think it’s a combination of you being cognizant of the complements and a general increase in the number of compliments given to you.  Its emotional resonance.

I will then replace my inner dialogue with

• I am worthy.
• Good job!
• I’m more than my accomplishments or failures.
• My self-worth isn’t based on other people’s opinions.

There are a million ways to rewire your brain and accept yourself.  If a friend was going through a challenging time, would I judge them?  Highly unlikely – I would try to understand their perspective and listen to their experience.  Above all, I would not doubt the validity of their experience.

Therefore, as a first step I chose to recognize that I am REAL

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